"D" (danjee)
05/15/2016 at 20:04 • Filed to: None
3
15|
"D" (danjee)
05/15/2016 at 20:04 • Filed to: None | 3
| 15 |
Bored? Anybody want to write some satirical car articles for absolutely no reward?
I’m writing up a full website from scratch for a class project. It’s a news site (noncommercial, solely exists as an exercise) and it’s got an autos section. Needs filling, can’t use placeholder text.
If you want to write up a ridiculous article of any length in the next several hours, leave it here! You will be credited on the article!
Here’s one I just pooped out:
Mazda Skips The RX-9 Altogether, Starts Spreading RX-10 Rumors
Rotary enthusiasts know how the story goes: RX-7, RX-8, then a solid half decade filled with monthly RX-9 rumors and hasty renderings. On Wednesday, Mazda announced “the suspense is over” and that the company would be forgoing the idea of the RX-9 completely, ditching it for the “far superior” RX-10 sports car.
Rumors about the new model will be available as early as next spring, according to Mazda. “We plan to release a rumor each month,” a Mazda spokesman told Genis. “We know how important a constant stream of empty promises is to our loyal customers,” he added.
The final RX-9 rumor is slotted to be released this summer.
HammerheadFistpunch
> D
05/15/2016 at 20:08 |
|
Why not just grab a few old article, ask to use them and plop them in?
|
D
> HammerheadFistpunch
05/15/2016 at 20:10 |
|
want it finished by the end of today, just stream-of-consciousness-ing my way thru. I don’t need many articles either.
TheHondaBro
> D
05/15/2016 at 20:16 |
|
Tesla Gives Up On Affordable Electric Car, Focuses On Electric Toothpaste Dispensers Instead
Were you one of the hundred-thousands who put down a deposit of $1,000 on the highly-anticipated Tesla Model 3? Well, you might want to forget about that. The California-based automaker has recently announced its venture into automated toiletries.
Such a lucrative and costly venture required the dissolving of its automobile division. As such, all Tesla models are to be removed from sale.
According to a Tesla spokesperson: “We think automated toiletries would be a far more lucrative than automobiles. According to the internet, people just are not ready for an electric car. This would require every monetary contribution from dissolving our automobile division, but in the long run, the company will grow fiscally.”
We do not know what will happen to the $1,000 deposits Tesla had collected, but a rumor that all customers will be given a free Tesla-themed bath mat has been circulating. More to come.
C62030
> TheHondaBro
05/15/2016 at 20:26 |
|
All Roadster, Model S and Model X cars will be automatically self-destructed via an overnight OTA update on June 28. This feature was built into the cars as a preventative measure by Franz von Holzhausen in the case the ‘Model S looks too bland’ comments ever got out of hand.
|
D
> TheHondaBro
05/15/2016 at 20:27 |
|
pure brilliance. you bet this is going on the site.
jkm7680
> D
05/15/2016 at 20:28 |
|
no can do.
see: lazy
not for canada - australian in disguise
> D
05/15/2016 at 20:30 |
|
TOYOTA STOPS MAKING THE LAND CRUISER - SAY IT’S “TOO RELIABLE AND IT CAN’T BE STOPPED”
TOYOTA CITY - JAPAN: Japanese automotive giant Toyota has announced that as of this date (15/MAY/2016), the Land Cruiser will cease production immediately. The CEO of Toyota, Akio Toyoda, called the famous SUV “too reliable” and expressed concerns that it might become sentient and try to take over the world. Toyoda also expressed that the SUV may well be sentient already, slowly planning on world domination, and that all Land Cruiser owners should destroy their cars immediately. It was also revealed that the Land Cruiser ended sale in Canada, not because of slow sales, but because of the Canadian government finding out these issues early on, and that the discontinuation was a precautionary measure, to rid the country of Land Cruisers.
The Lexus LX and GX are not effected, yet.
|
D
> jkm7680
05/15/2016 at 20:36 |
|
no way, me too!
scoob
> D
05/15/2016 at 20:43 |
|
Nissan Announces Next-Generation GT-R
After almost a decade after the release of the current-generation GT-R, known internally and to enthusiasts as the R35, Nissan held a surprise event in Tokyo today and shocked the world by revealing the next-gen GT-R.
For those not in the know, Nissan’s line of GT-R cars has a long history of being amazing performance cars. The current R35 was one of the best bargains in automotive history, offering supercar-crushing performance for the price of a mid-size luxury sedan, at the time of its release. So you can see, Nissan has a big responsibility of improving on this formula.
Nissan’s newest flagship supercar will be known to enthusiasts by its new chassis code, R1. Instead of continuing the number sequence from past GT-R’s (R32, R33, R34, and R35), Nissan has decided to go back in time and use R1.
Many might say this name is illogical as the new GT-R definitely isn’t the first GT-R, but in actuality it is perfectly fine as Nissan has never called any of their cars the “R1.”
As the cherry on top of this release, Nissan also provided a couple of technical specifications. The GT-R R1 will feature a rear-mounted carbureted 950cc single-cylinder naturally-aspirated engine, powerful enough to produce an astonishing 4 HP. Top speed, they say, is a blistering 10 kph (6.2 mph).
Nissan will start taking orders for the R1 in October. Current GT-R owners will be given priority, as they will be able to pre-order the car starting next week. Pre-order bonuses will include special paint options, interior materials, and even future software updates to improve the car’s performance.
Funktheduck
> D
05/15/2016 at 20:53 |
|
http://oppositelock.kinja.com/fca-finally-me…
I wrote this just now at your behest. Hope you like it because it took me several minutes
Racin'Jason001
> D
05/15/2016 at 20:54 |
|
How are these?
Honda CR-Z article: http://racinjason001.kinja.com/why-the-honda-…
Chrysler Pacifica article: http://racinjason001.kinja.com/the-2017-chrys…
Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap
> D
05/15/2016 at 21:22 |
|
Microsoft Launches Program to Build Self-Driving Car.
In the midst of tech companies rushing to bring a fully functioning autonomous vehicle to market, Microsoft is the most recent company to throw its hat into the ring. Earlier this month, they announced a partnership with General Motors to use the Chevrolet Spark and Cadillac Escalade as platforms for autonomous vehicles. The Spark- based vehicle would be more of a public use car, like a taxi, but without a driver. The Escalade based one would be an ultra luxury, highway mile muncher. They say it will be like having your own private jet for the road.
They have taken an interesting approach using traditional gasoline powered vehicles instead of experimenting with alternative fuels like Google’s car. There is no word yet on price, availability, or if they will even be sold to consumers. There is also no information available to say if these vehicles will have controls for the occupants or have the computer in charge all the time.
coqui70
> D
05/15/2016 at 22:32 |
|
VOLKSWAGEN ANNOUNCES NEW INCENTIVES TO REGAIN WORLDWIDE SALES MOMENTUM IN THE WAKE OF “DIESELGATE” SCANDAL
Wolfsburg, Germany - Amalgamated Press Intercontinental
Today Volkswagen AG announced massive changes to its sales incentive programs in order to return to profitability after the Diesel engine emissions scandal reduced sales to levels not seen since the 1980s. “We will be offering customers free driving clinics in the Nurburgring hosted by well-known track dominatrix Sabine Schmidt, along with complimentary European delivery and a million-mile/50-year transferable warranty” said Amanda Hungindkiss, the newly named chief of Corporate Accountability.
In addition “generous financial incentives” will be available - including the granting of salary, benefits and stock options to every individual who decides to take a giant leap of faith and buy a new VW vehicle. “Every VW driver will also be a proud employee of our company as part of the ‘Bribe them to drive us’ program” said Miss Hungindkiss. “They will join us as test subjects, err... drivers, and help determine the best combination of driving techniques needed to ensure full emissions compliance so we never-ever, ever, fucking ever have to be in this situation again”.
With obvious signs of strain in her voice, VW’s representative then proceeded to answer questions from the paltry attendees to the fully-catered event hosted in Wolfsburg Castle. During the Q&A session this reporter learned the following:
Due to the costs of the program no salary or bonuses will be available to factory workers - who will be replaced by “indentured servants” as used by the company founders during the 1930s and 40s.
Production will be ramped-up to meet the expected demand, and additional pristine Brazilian rain forests have already been leveled to make way for the needed factories.
The Chinese government has offered additional labor assistance in exchange for a controlling stake in the firm - this is being considered.
The head of Fiat Chrysler Automotive - Sergio Mirafiori - has also tendered a merger offer, but this was rejected by the VW board due to the “need to improve and not dig an even deeper hole”.
No she “doesn’t need to relax and have a drink later” and is not interested in “hot steamy sex orgies” with members of the Russian press agency.
This final question apparently was too much to bear, and Miss Hungindkiss was quickly escorted off the stage by attendants who whisked her into a van labeled “Offizielle Klapsmühle Transportfahrzeug, nichts zu sehen”. Strange times indeed.
API/FUBAR - duplication permitted
|
D
> TheHondaBro
05/16/2016 at 23:24 |
|
http://webhawks.org/~dm62dageni693…
thanks again babe
|
TheHondaBro
> D
05/17/2016 at 00:19 |
|
np <3 u bb